Why I HATED the G.I. Joe movie

The G.I. Joe cartoon came out when I was an impressionable youngster between 8 and my teens. My brother & I used to watch it religiously. We bought the action figures and had an agreement between each other when we did. He got all the Joes & I got all the Cobras. Together we amassed quite a collection. The things I loved about the cartoon where that for one, all the Joes seemed to have their own special uniqueness. Each member had a skill that no one in the world was better at. There were also many kick ass chicks. Scarlett, Lady Jaye, Cover Girl, Baroness, Zarana, Jinx...and more. What other animated show or non-animated for that matter included so many awesome female characters? These chicks held their own! I loved how, even tho' they were a military unit, their distinct personalities stood out. The diversity of the individuals is what made the team so strong. Cobra was the same way. They were a terrorist organization full of distinct individuals but there was a difference. The were not praised for their diversity. Many times they were laughed at or made fun of because of it. They were bullied. They were also individuals who were follows instead of leaders. That's what I always got from this silly little cartoon show from the 80's. Now, let's fast forward to 2009 and the so called G.I. Joe movie. First off, there are no similarities between the 80's cartoon and the movie except for character names. Who are these people? Second, (don't read any further if you plan on renting this piece of crap, 'cause there's spoilers ahead) Scarlett is portrayed as bad ass only because she doesn't allow emotion to be part of her person. That's right, women are too emotional to make great soldiers, so the only way Scarlett is such an awesome soldier is that she suppresses all her emotion. WHAT!? Third, the Baroness is not Russian & has no accent & really isn't evil. She is in fact mad at Duke her Fiance` for not comforting her after her brother is killed by a military jet strike gone wrong. Duke was supposed to protect her brother in battle & because he failed he can't face her in her greatest time of need. Seriously? Cobra gets a hold of her, pumps some memory crap into her & "ta-da!" she's bad. Now in the cartoon, Duke always came off as an old fashioned fellow. He was quiet & polite & got the job done. The Duke in the movie, close for about 5 minutes, but not going to comfort his woman in her time of need, very unDuke like. Not to mention stupid plot device. Fourth, (there are still spoilers so be warned), Cobra Commander is Baroness brother that Duke failed to protect. Is he evil because of Duke's failure? No. He is evil because he is a scientist. I am not kidding. He's the one that kidnaps his sister & pumps the crap into her to make her do his bidding to get back at Duke for not saving him, but the main underlying reason we are given for him being evil is that he is a scientist. So the youngest kid in the movie with the least character development is Cobra Commander. OMG...stupid. Fifth, you could see everything coming a mile and a half away. There were no surprises, no OMG moments except when you were expected to suspend disbelief every ten minutes & you found yourself saying "OMG...for real? This is stupid.". Next, Zartan. Zartan is such a cool character in the cartoon & comic. He is a master of disguises and an expert in cosmetics. Seeing him transform using just the stuff in his metal briefcase was always pretty cool. In the movie? They just pump him full of the same stuff they pump everyone else full of which gives him the ability to alter his appearance by just thinking about it. His bones break & crackle and he screams as he turns into an exact replica of whoever. Ugh. I liked him better as a genius at make-up art. (to be cont.)