work out

So I am slowly beginning to understand that I have pretty severe anxiety. This really shouldn't be a surprise, having Asperger's and all, but I guess it has never been quite as bad in the past as it has the last 3 or 4 years of my life. When the Doc told me my throat swelling, heart fluttering, chest tightening was anxiety, I thought he was just being an ass & being lazy, writing me off as some hypochondriac. Perhaps, he thought I was some sort of Kook. Many of my friends are on anxiety meds. I started thinking about it. Really trying to figure out how on earth I could have ended up one of these people with so much stress & anxiety in their life.

I thought about work. It's not that bad. The constant interruptions & inability to be able to focus on one task at a time make it a little frustrating for an Aspie like me, but at least all the people I work extremely closely with get me & understand that my weird outbursts are due to frustration & Asperger's & not just because I'm some sort of drama queen, attention seeker, or sociopath & they are smart enough & knowledgeable enough NOT to take them personally or feel they are even slightly directed at them. I do have to watch my bluntness & have learned it is best not to say anything. The awkwardness of not answering is better than the ramifications of answering honestly sometimes. Especially to faculty. People are not looking for honesty, only immediate gratification & reassurance that it is not their fault & it is completely someone else's fault. Sad, but true.

Then I figured it out. I'm not active. I used to be active constantly. Even at the old bookstore job, I was working out my muscles 8 hours a day. Moving 40 to 50 pound boxes of books helped really work out anxiety, giving me a sense of calm. It was once they started forcing me away from that task that my anxiety increased. Before that job I was a dishwasher, a stage crew set-up & tear down person & even at the toy store I was constantly opening & merchandising & moving. I used to ride a bicycle all the time & I worked out at least four one hour sessions a week. On top of that, I painted for hours.

Now I sit in a comfy chair in an office setting, don't own a bicycle, don't work out enough to do anything & my painting time is in serious jeopardy. Thus the increase in the anxiety. I basically am having panic attacks every week. I didn't realize that what was happening. The depression I am in is also due to all of the problems all the anxiety has caused. So right now, I am in this vicious little circle of self-destruction.

I have a plan.

It starts one pull-up at a time.